[ He sits there staring at his phone and hates how right she is. Hythlodaeus as he is now has no idea of the gulf of time between the Sundering and the present day. The most his friend can offer is comfort during his worst moments - but he can see how it wears on them and it only increases his guilt. Lahabrea's obsession had grown to madness before his death; Elidibus could barely remember his own name by the end; and the Warrior(s) of Light can barely imagine living past a century let alone several millennia.
He hates it. He's tired of it. He doesn't know what else to do but put one foot in front of the other and get through each day as it comes.
We wouldn't be the only ones who understood mortal struggles if you hadn't sundered our people, he thinks resentfully. But he knows better than to express that to her. ]
Even if I were to acknowledge that such a bond exists - so what? I am not going to sit around and recount centuries of trauma and heartbreak for your amusement when 'tis plain that you cannot seem to grasp that not everyone shares your lack of sentiment. If you understand me as well as you claim then you should understand why I wish to keep to myself now. I am tired, Hydaelyn. The world is no longer my concern. I should be in the aetherial sea with Hythlodaeus - the Hythlodaeus of my own time - waiting for our souls to unravel and join the rest of our people. But I am not. I am here, with an old friend who instead has yet to sacrifice himself to Zodiark, and I have a unique opportunity to prevent it from ever happening.
Nothing else matters. Do you understand? It is difficult enough caring about the business which keeps us clothed and fed. If I had my way, I would be stepping off the White Cliffs or tying stones to my feet and throwing myself at the mercy of the creatures of the sea. Any kindness I show to you or anyone else is in the sole interest of making life here as simple as possible and to give myself work so that I do not have time to think about how much more comforting death would be.
[Ridiculous and foolish, is her kneejerk response, though she wouldn't express it so. But, on reflection, is such a thought truly so surprising? She forgets, after all this time, how her people treated their return to the star -- having not taken that path herself, not quite the way they did in any case. And she really ought not to be surprised that Hades had taken entirely the wrong lesson she'd hoped for out of all this, either.]
[Though he might be pleased to know his barbs did hurt. 'Lack of sentiment', indeed. Does he cast her as so heartless because he truly believes it, or simply because that is easier to handle than accepting the nuance of the situation, and it is easier to demonize her that way?]
I understand the tiredness, the exhaustion, the desire for rest, as no other can. And I also know you, and understand that no amount of 'work' or distraction would spare you from contemplating that rest, not for long. Nor pursuing it, were you so inclined. You have chosen to live. None of this 'if I had my way' or 'I should be this or that' -- it is not this world keeping you here, nor Hytholdaeus, but your own choice.
Would it be wrong of me to suspect how guilty you feel about that choice? Would it surprise you to know that I, who have ever embraced life and the living of it, before and now, crave the rest I have been denied and feel guilt about such a desire? That I do not entirely know where my joy of life ends and my obligation to continue helping and guiding ends?
We are reflections of each other, Hades. We share so much and yet also stand at such stark contrast to each other. Yet we have both chosen life, again. Something inside me tells me that we can help each other embrace that choice, and make the most of those lives... because only we can know what that choice means to us.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-10-13 04:33 am (UTC)He hates it. He's tired of it. He doesn't know what else to do but put one foot in front of the other and get through each day as it comes.
We wouldn't be the only ones who understood mortal struggles if you hadn't sundered our people, he thinks resentfully. But he knows better than to express that to her. ]
Even if I were to acknowledge that such a bond exists - so what? I am not going to sit around and recount centuries of trauma and heartbreak for your amusement when 'tis plain that you cannot seem to grasp that not everyone shares your lack of sentiment. If you understand me as well as you claim then you should understand why I wish to keep to myself now. I am tired, Hydaelyn. The world is no longer my concern. I should be in the aetherial sea with Hythlodaeus - the Hythlodaeus of my own time - waiting for our souls to unravel and join the rest of our people. But I am not. I am here, with an old friend who instead has yet to sacrifice himself to Zodiark, and I have a unique opportunity to prevent it from ever happening.
Nothing else matters. Do you understand? It is difficult enough caring about the business which keeps us clothed and fed. If I had my way, I would be stepping off the White Cliffs or tying stones to my feet and throwing myself at the mercy of the creatures of the sea. Any kindness I show to you or anyone else is in the sole interest of making life here as simple as possible and to give myself work so that I do not have time to think about how much more comforting death would be.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 02:22 pm (UTC)[Though he might be pleased to know his barbs did hurt. 'Lack of sentiment', indeed. Does he cast her as so heartless because he truly believes it, or simply because that is easier to handle than accepting the nuance of the situation, and it is easier to demonize her that way?]
I understand the tiredness, the exhaustion, the desire for rest, as no other can. And I also know you, and understand that no amount of 'work' or distraction would spare you from contemplating that rest, not for long. Nor pursuing it, were you so inclined. You have chosen to live. None of this 'if I had my way' or 'I should be this or that' -- it is not this world keeping you here, nor Hytholdaeus, but your own choice.
Would it be wrong of me to suspect how guilty you feel about that choice? Would it surprise you to know that I, who have ever embraced life and the living of it, before and now, crave the rest I have been denied and feel guilt about such a desire? That I do not entirely know where my joy of life ends and my obligation to continue helping and guiding ends?
We are reflections of each other, Hades. We share so much and yet also stand at such stark contrast to each other. Yet we have both chosen life, again. Something inside me tells me that we can help each other embrace that choice, and make the most of those lives... because only we can know what that choice means to us.