[..goodness. He's in worse shape than she thought. She might have to apologize for her choice of venue later.]
[Well, at the least, she can pause and take in the environment, giving him a chance to rest without being obvious that she's doing that instead of admiring the view. The view is worth admiring, though, so it's a pretense with some substance.]
Full well am I glad to hear that. You need someone to be open and honest with. As do all people, but you especially.
[ Incurable nerd! Indoor kid! Has been cooped up in lecture halls and research labs and counseling offices for years!!! He doesn't mean to be so out of shape. It's very embarrassing.
The break is highly appreciated. Maruki sighs heavily with relief, stretches to crack his back.
It really is something to see. He has few kind thoughts to spare about Somnius as a place on most days – city boy to his bones – but, to Venat's point earlier, a perspective from on high does tend to change things.
He's still catching his breath as they take in the view. Still holding her hand, and he runs his thumb idly over her knuckles. ]
I could say the same about you, easily.
[ A beat. ]
I've thought a lot about the last story you told me. The true nature of your 'religious figurehead' and 'retirement' euphemisms.
[ Light and playful, with a small teasing smile directed at her when he says it, but what comes next is nothing but earnest. ]
It must have made it extraordinarily difficult for you to have people in your life who treated you as a whole person, rather than– you know, a deity.
Very much so, yes. Some days I consider it miraculous that I remember how to speak to people, after twelve thousand years alone in the aetherial sea.
[She breathes out a sigh, but not a sad one, nor a weighty one; nor does her smile flicker in the least. If anything, it speaks of a deep weariness more than even a shallow despair.]
But I held fast to my core, throughout it all. And you must remember that we are a very long-lived people. Though it was indeed a long time, it may have perhaps been... [How old is he, anyway? Her eyes flick over him, she makes a quick guess (and one too young by a few years), then quickly maths out the comparison.] ...three hundred seventy? Naught more than four hundred years, if you compare the time in isolation to that of the life before. Still no small amount, but I daresay you can see how the difference matters. So I think myself far better off than you would expect.
[Though she cants her head slightly, eyes brightening even if her smile can't.] But should I be wrong, I have a skilled and knowledgeable friend to help me discover that, and for that too I am very glad.
[ Maruki does the math himself. A little less than 400 years sounds horrific when looked at on its own, but when put into perspective of her lifespan, it's–
Hilariously, about as long as he'd spent entirely alone back in Tokyo.
A quiet hum, a squeeze of her hand. The deep exhaustion in that sigh was not lost on him. He thinks about it all the time: How to help her allow herself to rest, how to show care for someone who has, by her very nature and position, only ever been expected to give it. ]
Even outside of that isolation– even here, I still wonder if people holding you in a high regard can make it difficult for them to genuinely connect. Our positions aren't on remotely the same level, but it's something I can empathize with.
[ Then he inclines his head to look her in the eye, just a hair taller than him, and grins back. ]
Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. You'll have to introduce me to that friend of yours, he sounds like he could sort me out.
[Venat has to cover her mouth with her free hand, never mind that hiding her smile and her laughter is impossible.] I think you'd like him. He's quite extraordinary.
[Returning the squeeze, to acknowledge it, Venat then lifts her head slightly to consider his words. Her times here flick past in her memories, like sparks shattered free from a fire with a log freshly tossed upon it.]
Were I to judge, I would say that what regard people hold me in is in part because of my physical appearance, in part because of my manner of speaking and tone of voice, both of which I daresay sound more formal than what most are accustomed to, and in no small part because I have a great deal of experience and the attitude hencefrom. The latter one is what I am accustomed to in any case. Did I tell you the meaning of these robes, at some point in our conversations?
[ OH JUST KNOCK HIM OVER WITH A FEATHER, VENAT. Retaliation for how cute that was will be forthcoming, just you wait. ]
It's definitely all three parts and then some! But no, you haven't. Here–
[ He's more than caught his breath, and the summit can't be too far off. Hopefully. And, most importantly, he wants Argos to respect him, despite being a weakling mortal who hasn't run a mile since high school phys ed.
Maruki adjusts his satchel again and gently tugs along to continue up the path. ]
Let's press on, I'm good. I'd love to hear your explanation of the robes.
[Oh, now he's trying to take the lead? Venat and Argos share a look, along with expectations of just how this will go -- though the dog is exasperated, and the woman only amused.]
I may have mentioned this, but if so, I reiterate. Black robes and masks were the common fashion of our society. [She touches the mask that hangs in front of her robes. Not once has she donned it since coming here, but then, she never favored it to begin with.] White robes are the mark of an advisor, one pledged to impartial judgment and trustworthy advice. I was granted them when I stepped down from the seat of Azem -- whereas the vast majority in my place would have returned to the star, feeling their purpose fulfilled.
[ It's a pretty foolish idea, isn't it. He's a foolish man! And the sooner they get going, the sooner the worst part of camping (hiking) can end and the best part (chilling underneath the stars) can begin. ]
Ah, that makes sense – the work is never done, after all.
[ The robes have always made him wonder – it's a little funny that she still wears them in a place like this, but they suit her to the point that he can't imagine anything else. ]
Do you still feel that you play that advisor role here?
[Wearing something else has literally never occurred to her. As well-adjusted and capable as she is, she nonetheless possesses faults, flaws, and oversights in her mentation as anyone else would. Most of them relate to how very, very long certain things have been just that way for her.]
[To answer his question, Venat shares a conspiratorial smile.]
I take joy in helping others, too.
[That ought to explain it, yes? Her role is less formal and less defined than his, but it still can set her apart. She is still an advisor, a source of strength, a mentor, or in a strange case or two a mother figure. A certain sort of distance, certain sorts of lines, exist in that role to maintain it. His contract specifies what remains implicit for her, but still.]
[ on god girl we're getting you a home and some normal clothes
Or not, honestly! Maruki hasn't really adapted to the way of life in Somnius and doesn't expect anyone else to. Medieval style clothes? No. A hobbit hole without simple modern conveniences? No!! They are equally set in their ways in opposite directions. ]
Do you? I had no idea.
[ The conspiratorial smile is returned, his eyes bright with mischief. ]
That much is obvious, at least to me. It's– hah, forgive my sentimentality, but it's a light that you couldn't put out if you tried.
[ And then, quickly, to cover up his own flush at that: ]
So it stands to reason that you get a satisfaction and sense of purpose out of it too. And suddenly, I see where your advice for me came from!
We walk different paths. [Although no sooner does she say that than Venat glances down at the path which they are quite obviously both walking, and shakes her head.] No, we travel the same path with different paces. I find myself taking on the problems that show brightest on the surface. Lost children in caves, people in agony or misery, dangerous monsters, suchforth. While you take to the depths, plumbing the hidden secrets and drawing them to light, fixing countless personal cracks rather than several ones of broader scope.
My purpose is to help mankind. Yours is to help people.
[The sky is gone now, lost behind the thick foliage overhead. The forest's enclosure feels comfortable in a way, well-suited to talks like this.]
To my mind, your work is the more difficult, more dangerous, and more grueling. That is why I admire that you undertake it, and admire even more your ability to do so.
[ Maruki is quiet at that, taking the words in and letting them enjoy the gravity they deserve. The compliment on his work, for once, doesn't fluster. ]
It takes both of us, then. That's one of the first things you said to me – together, we can achieve what we could not alone. I haven't forgotten it.
[ He laughs a little, shakes his head. ]
See, I think what you do is infinitely harder and riskier – and I think you're amazing for doing it. We'll probably always see things that way.
[ It's difficult to feel that he does any good at all, for anyone, especially in Somnius. To Venat's point, while those problems on the surface are no less difficult to resolve, it's more obvious when they are. And to her earlier point, it's the same with a doctor who sets a broken bone. Tangible solutions, visible healing. True heroism, not just sitting in a room listening to people talk.
Maruki grips her hand tighter. While it's easier to talk about these things with Venat, that doesn't make them easy by any means, and he needs the touch to keep himself grounded. ]
I haven't told you why I started down this path of ours, have I?
Edited (words words words) Date: 2024-06-11 09:48 pm (UTC)
You have not. And I rather suspect it is a very different reason than from why I did.
[Call it intuition, but given what she knows of Maruki, she doubts he could have possibly followed her path -- if for naught else, for the fact that aether seems unknown to him and his world. That would make it quite a bit harder.]
I would welcome hearing your tale. And if you then wish me to speak of mine, I shall.
The unsettling thing is that, for the first time, he feels like he should truly start at the beginning. Maruki tests that impetus cautiously in his mind. The desire to speak candidly about Rumi and the actual act of doing so are two completely different things. Even with the half-truth he told Akira back at Shujin – the quarter-truth he told Eren here – he'd felt sick for hours afterwards. Up on a cliff, in the woods, he won't be able to cleanly escape the situation, shut himself off in a room. He has to be so, so careful.
He won't tell the whole truth. He can't. But he wasn't lying when he said he's more honest with Venat than anyone, so it starts with a simple disclaimer. ]
Ah, I should tell you up top that this won't be the full story. There are still parts that are too painful to discuss. I hope to be able to share all of them with you one day, but for now...
[ His free hand rubs over his face, up into his hair, the sensation tethering mind to body. ]
At one point, I was actually engaged. Nearly married, if you can believe it. Her name was Rumi.
[ He's thought of her every day in Somnius – spoken obliquely of her on occasion – and this is the first time he's actually said her name out loud. Even just that sends a ripple of uneasy pain through his body. ]
What she saw in me, I'll never know, but we were incredibly happy together for many years. Well, hah– relatively speaking, of course, a few years for me was a blink for you...
[ He's letting himself get distracted. Breathes. Refocuses. ]
It ended up not working out, obviously, but not because of anything either of us did. It's funny how random chance intervenes with fate, isn't it?
[This is... surprising to hear, in no small part due to Maruki seeming like he wouldn't know how to ask a girl out with a script. But setting that aside, the story makes sense. She can already see the rest of it taking shape -- a tragedy approaching, a cruel separation. Which again makes her wonder why he can tolerate her, for so many reasons. Not just her own power, which served as a potent bulwark against such tragedy, but as someone who set countless people down the same path he himself walked.]
[Her 'larger surface problem-solving' caused untold millions upon millions of cracks that he would have to travel along, patching up, were he in Eorzea.]
[ That goes a long way toward settling his racing heart. Venat isn't wrong, not at all. That's the exact sentiment that keeps him upright.
He smiles over at her, genuine and warm. ]
True. I wouldn't trade that happiness for anything, even with the pain that came later.
[ Hm. Something to think about later, perhaps.
He turns his eyes back on the path, not wanting another undignified stumble. ]
We were visiting her family when their home was attacked. Like I said, it was just one of those freak occurrences. They were good people, they lived out in the country... There was no reason it should have happened.
[ In his darker moments, he wonders if he brought that bad luck to their door, just by virtue of the work he was pursuing. It's a paranoia that doesn't hold up under scrutiny, but it exists nonetheless. ]
Regardless of all that... It was a botched robbery. Her parents were murdered, and she was attacked. It was lucky that her physical injuries weren't worse, but...
[ Death might have been kinder, in the end.
Maruki's voice remains steady, unshaking, but there is a streak of raw pain running through it, and his hand around Venat's is tighter than he realizes. ]
She never recovered emotionally. The trauma was too severe. We tried to help her, for a long time, but.
[ There's no real end to that sentence. He takes a moment to breathe. ]
Edited (words wORDS WORDS) Date: 2024-06-11 11:16 pm (UTC)
[She returns the grip with a calm strength of her own, providing support and grounding against the weight of memories. It's a familiar story, sad as she is to say it. It had played out thousands of times, and would thousands of times again. Because of her choices, at that.]
[She's not the right person to help him -- but she's here, which makes her the only one who can help him.]
How long ago was this?
[Not forgotten is his reminder that this isn't the full story. She believes she may have some grasp on what he leaves out, but she will not mention her ideas. Either she is wrong, or she is right, and both are terrible.]
[ The question gives him pause, grounds him just as much as her hand does. Maruki blinks owlishly at her behind his glasses. The strange sensation of being pulled from your own memories and made to orient them in time and space for someone else. ]
Six years ago, or so. One of those things that feels like yesterday and centuries ago at the same time.
[ A beat, and he tries to circle back to his point, his voice heavier than before. ]
Months passed, and she never improved. To make matters worse, my presence only triggered her memories of that night. In the end, for Rumi's own sake... I had to let her go.
[ It's as close to the whole truth as he can get.
A deep breath drawn. He smiles over at Venat again, small and sad, but no less genuine. It isn't a mask. He really does mean this, with all his heart. ]
I was already a cognitive researcher at that point, but what happened with Rumi solidified my life's path. If there was a way to directly address pains of the heart like what she suffered... To understand them the way a physician can understand and heal a broken bone... I wanted to find it. I dedicated all of my research to that pursuit.
[ He shrugs, a little sheepish. ]
In the end, my obsession with that was unhealthy. Counseling was a more effective way to help people heal, so I turned to that.
[ It's–
A relief.
A profound one, actually. He's never felt that way after telling this story. ]
[Much as she'd envisioned, still compatible with her guesses. Venat stops, then, and turns to face him fully.]
If I am any judge of you thus far, you've not done enough to treat your own wounds from that moment. Might I, then, apply a therapeutic treatment to you?
I... Well, I suppose I can't argue with you there.
[ He would argue it, normally. Would insist that Rumi was the one who suffered, not him. But Venat always manages to get the measure of him so easily ]
[Rather than give him time to overthink it, Venat releases his hand, steps forward, and draws him into a hug.]
[Venat is not good at hugs. Millennia of isolation to be sure, but even before that, her people were not very big on interpersonal contact in the slightest -- as one might expect from a society where everyone wore robes and masks to diminish their individualism. So her arms are somewhat awkwardly placed, her robes are in the way, and her mask is poking him in the chest.]
[But for warmth, and care, and a terrific strength holding him firmly but not painfully, one couldn't ask for much more.]
I am sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how much it must have hurt.
[ It's exhaled in a surprised huff as Venat folds him into her arms.
When was the last time someone held him? It had to have been Shibusawa, after the news about Rumi originally broke. More than half a decade ago, and only briefly, as he was already on the path to alchemizing his despair into fury. He can barely remember it, so much has happened since. Maybe it felt like this. It probably didn't.
It feels–
It's charming, actually, how unpracticed the embrace is. Her arms around his trap them a bit, so that he can't return the gesture right away. But it's such a sincere expression of care, of empathy. Her words strike at just the right angle of his beleaguered heart to make impact; it did hurt. It still does. Daily, it hurts.
When he manages to speak, his voice is mired in that pain that he hasn't let himself feel in far too long, tired and strained. ]
Venat is not good at hugs, but Maruki absolutely is.
He wriggles his arms free, jostling her grip up around his shoulders instead. They wrap around her waist to pull her in tight, the voluminous robes and mask now digging into his chest no deterrence. If he were stronger, and she shorter, he'd actually lift her off her feet a bit. It's that much of a bear hug.
Maruki tucks his face down against her shoulder to rest his head there and breathes, a weak little laugh escaping. ]
Good to know this therapeutic treatment spans realities and millennia too. It's one of my favorites.
I had a sneaking suspicion you might need this. Forgive me for my lack of experience.
[Considering the surprise, or apparent befuddlement, her offer to listen to him in turn had elicited, she further suspects he may have gone somewhat too far -- that helping others as a way to fight back against and control the feelings of loss and pain had overshadowed the other, comprehensive ways one ought to deal with grief. She's very glad she hadn't ultimately agreed to be his patient, but rather his friend, for otherwise she'd never be able to fairly address all this.]
I think I may be starting to like them myself. They seem excellent at giving comfort.
[ Venat is correct on all accounts, more correct than even she knows. It's plainly evident in the gratitude in Maruki's voice, pained and comforted in equal measure.
It's sad, really. How badly he's needed this, for how long. So much of what he's put himself through over the years could have been avoided if he had someone to simply be there the way Venat is – if he had opened himself up to the possibility at all.
It's a strange, beautiful thing to come out of a life held captive in Somnius. He won't take it for granted.
Maruki laughs again, tight in his throat, and shakes his head. ]
Nothing to forgive. I'm glad I can help make up for lost time. There's a lot more I can show you, actually, here–
[ And with that, yeah, he is actually going to try to lift Venat off her feet. He untucks his face from her shoulder, slides his grip up around her back and does his level best to haul her even an inch off the ground. It's ridiculous, and the hardest he's laughed so far in Somnius, some uncomplicated joy seeping into the cracks of an old pain. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 12:54 am (UTC)I'm glad to hear it! I haven't exactly had many people to talk with like this either.
[ He's getting a stitch in his side and his lungs are starting to burn. Hiking is a curse. ]
Or– well, I said many, but I suppose I mean any.
[ God, where is the fucking summit of this cliff. ]
Can I tell you something? I think I'm more honest with you than anyone.
[ HE'S DYING ]
I'm glad we can– have these sorts of talks. For both our sakes.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 06:03 pm (UTC)[Well, at the least, she can pause and take in the environment, giving him a chance to rest without being obvious that she's doing that instead of admiring the view. The view is worth admiring, though, so it's a pretense with some substance.]
Full well am I glad to hear that. You need someone to be open and honest with. As do all people, but you especially.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 06:38 pm (UTC)The break is highly appreciated. Maruki sighs heavily with relief, stretches to crack his back.
It really is something to see. He has few kind thoughts to spare about Somnius as a place on most days – city boy to his bones – but, to Venat's point earlier, a perspective from on high does tend to change things.
He's still catching his breath as they take in the view. Still holding her hand, and he runs his thumb idly over her knuckles. ]
I could say the same about you, easily.
[ A beat. ]
I've thought a lot about the last story you told me. The true nature of your 'religious figurehead' and 'retirement' euphemisms.
[ Light and playful, with a small teasing smile directed at her when he says it, but what comes next is nothing but earnest. ]
It must have made it extraordinarily difficult for you to have people in your life who treated you as a whole person, rather than– you know, a deity.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 06:53 pm (UTC)[She breathes out a sigh, but not a sad one, nor a weighty one; nor does her smile flicker in the least. If anything, it speaks of a deep weariness more than even a shallow despair.]
But I held fast to my core, throughout it all. And you must remember that we are a very long-lived people. Though it was indeed a long time, it may have perhaps been... [How old is he, anyway? Her eyes flick over him, she makes a quick guess (and one too young by a few years), then quickly maths out the comparison.] ...three hundred seventy? Naught more than four hundred years, if you compare the time in isolation to that of the life before. Still no small amount, but I daresay you can see how the difference matters. So I think myself far better off than you would expect.
[Though she cants her head slightly, eyes brightening even if her smile can't.] But should I be wrong, I have a skilled and knowledgeable friend to help me discover that, and for that too I am very glad.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 07:35 pm (UTC)[ Maruki does the math himself. A little less than 400 years sounds horrific when looked at on its own, but when put into perspective of her lifespan, it's–
Hilariously, about as long as he'd spent entirely alone back in Tokyo.
A quiet hum, a squeeze of her hand. The deep exhaustion in that sigh was not lost on him. He thinks about it all the time: How to help her allow herself to rest, how to show care for someone who has, by her very nature and position, only ever been expected to give it. ]
Even outside of that isolation– even here, I still wonder if people holding you in a high regard can make it difficult for them to genuinely connect. Our positions aren't on remotely the same level, but it's something I can empathize with.
[ Then he inclines his head to look her in the eye, just a hair taller than him, and grins back. ]
Who knows, maybe I'm wrong. You'll have to introduce me to that friend of yours, he sounds like he could sort me out.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 07:40 pm (UTC)[Returning the squeeze, to acknowledge it, Venat then lifts her head slightly to consider his words. Her times here flick past in her memories, like sparks shattered free from a fire with a log freshly tossed upon it.]
Were I to judge, I would say that what regard people hold me in is in part because of my physical appearance, in part because of my manner of speaking and tone of voice, both of which I daresay sound more formal than what most are accustomed to, and in no small part because I have a great deal of experience and the attitude hencefrom. The latter one is what I am accustomed to in any case. Did I tell you the meaning of these robes, at some point in our conversations?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 07:55 pm (UTC)It's definitely all three parts and then some! But no, you haven't. Here–
[ He's more than caught his breath, and the summit can't be too far off. Hopefully. And, most importantly, he wants Argos to respect him, despite being a weakling mortal who hasn't run a mile since high school phys ed.
Maruki adjusts his satchel again and gently tugs along to continue up the path. ]
Let's press on, I'm good. I'd love to hear your explanation of the robes.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:06 pm (UTC)I may have mentioned this, but if so, I reiterate. Black robes and masks were the common fashion of our society. [She touches the mask that hangs in front of her robes. Not once has she donned it since coming here, but then, she never favored it to begin with.] White robes are the mark of an advisor, one pledged to impartial judgment and trustworthy advice. I was granted them when I stepped down from the seat of Azem -- whereas the vast majority in my place would have returned to the star, feeling their purpose fulfilled.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:27 pm (UTC)Ah, that makes sense – the work is never done, after all.
[ The robes have always made him wonder – it's a little funny that she still wears them in a place like this, but they suit her to the point that he can't imagine anything else. ]
Do you still feel that you play that advisor role here?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:33 pm (UTC)[To answer his question, Venat shares a conspiratorial smile.]
I take joy in helping others, too.
[That ought to explain it, yes? Her role is less formal and less defined than his, but it still can set her apart. She is still an advisor, a source of strength, a mentor, or in a strange case or two a mother figure. A certain sort of distance, certain sorts of lines, exist in that role to maintain it. His contract specifies what remains implicit for her, but still.]
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 08:49 pm (UTC)Or not, honestly! Maruki hasn't really adapted to the way of life in Somnius and doesn't expect anyone else to. Medieval style clothes? No. A hobbit hole without simple modern conveniences? No!! They are equally set in their ways in opposite directions. ]
Do you? I had no idea.
[ The conspiratorial smile is returned, his eyes bright with mischief. ]
That much is obvious, at least to me. It's– hah, forgive my sentimentality, but it's a light that you couldn't put out if you tried.
[ And then, quickly, to cover up his own flush at that: ]
So it stands to reason that you get a satisfaction and sense of purpose out of it too. And suddenly, I see where your advice for me came from!
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 09:14 pm (UTC)My purpose is to help mankind. Yours is to help people.
[The sky is gone now, lost behind the thick foliage overhead. The forest's enclosure feels comfortable in a way, well-suited to talks like this.]
To my mind, your work is the more difficult, more dangerous, and more grueling. That is why I admire that you undertake it, and admire even more your ability to do so.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 09:45 pm (UTC)It takes both of us, then. That's one of the first things you said to me – together, we can achieve what we could not alone. I haven't forgotten it.
[ He laughs a little, shakes his head. ]
See, I think what you do is infinitely harder and riskier – and I think you're amazing for doing it. We'll probably always see things that way.
[ It's difficult to feel that he does any good at all, for anyone, especially in Somnius. To Venat's point, while those problems on the surface are no less difficult to resolve, it's more obvious when they are. And to her earlier point, it's the same with a doctor who sets a broken bone. Tangible solutions, visible healing. True heroism, not just sitting in a room listening to people talk.
Maruki grips her hand tighter. While it's easier to talk about these things with Venat, that doesn't make them easy by any means, and he needs the touch to keep himself grounded. ]
I haven't told you why I started down this path of ours, have I?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 09:56 pm (UTC)[Call it intuition, but given what she knows of Maruki, she doubts he could have possibly followed her path -- if for naught else, for the fact that aether seems unknown to him and his world. That would make it quite a bit harder.]
I would welcome hearing your tale. And if you then wish me to speak of mine, I shall.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 10:25 pm (UTC)Please. I'd really like that.
[ God, where to begin.
The unsettling thing is that, for the first time, he feels like he should truly start at the beginning. Maruki tests that impetus cautiously in his mind. The desire to speak candidly about Rumi and the actual act of doing so are two completely different things. Even with the half-truth he told Akira back at Shujin – the quarter-truth he told Eren here – he'd felt sick for hours afterwards. Up on a cliff, in the woods, he won't be able to cleanly escape the situation, shut himself off in a room. He has to be so, so careful.
He won't tell the whole truth. He can't. But he wasn't lying when he said he's more honest with Venat than anyone, so it starts with a simple disclaimer. ]
Ah, I should tell you up top that this won't be the full story. There are still parts that are too painful to discuss. I hope to be able to share all of them with you one day, but for now...
[ His free hand rubs over his face, up into his hair, the sensation tethering mind to body. ]
At one point, I was actually engaged. Nearly married, if you can believe it. Her name was Rumi.
[ He's thought of her every day in Somnius – spoken obliquely of her on occasion – and this is the first time he's actually said her name out loud. Even just that sends a ripple of uneasy pain through his body. ]
What she saw in me, I'll never know, but we were incredibly happy together for many years. Well, hah– relatively speaking, of course, a few years for me was a blink for you...
[ He's letting himself get distracted. Breathes. Refocuses. ]
It ended up not working out, obviously, but not because of anything either of us did. It's funny how random chance intervenes with fate, isn't it?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 10:41 pm (UTC)[This is... surprising to hear, in no small part due to Maruki seeming like he wouldn't know how to ask a girl out with a script. But setting that aside, the story makes sense. She can already see the rest of it taking shape -- a tragedy approaching, a cruel separation. Which again makes her wonder why he can tolerate her, for so many reasons. Not just her own power, which served as a potent bulwark against such tragedy, but as someone who set countless people down the same path he himself walked.]
[Her 'larger surface problem-solving' caused untold millions upon millions of cracks that he would have to travel along, patching up, were he in Eorzea.]
But no matter the length of time, happy is happy.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 11:15 pm (UTC)He smiles over at her, genuine and warm. ]
True. I wouldn't trade that happiness for anything, even with the pain that came later.
[ Hm. Something to think about later, perhaps.
He turns his eyes back on the path, not wanting another undignified stumble. ]
We were visiting her family when their home was attacked. Like I said, it was just one of those freak occurrences. They were good people, they lived out in the country... There was no reason it should have happened.
[ In his darker moments, he wonders if he brought that bad luck to their door, just by virtue of the work he was pursuing. It's a paranoia that doesn't hold up under scrutiny, but it exists nonetheless. ]
Regardless of all that... It was a botched robbery. Her parents were murdered, and she was attacked. It was lucky that her physical injuries weren't worse, but...
[ Death might have been kinder, in the end.
Maruki's voice remains steady, unshaking, but there is a streak of raw pain running through it, and his hand around Venat's is tighter than he realizes. ]
She never recovered emotionally. The trauma was too severe. We tried to help her, for a long time, but.
[ There's no real end to that sentence. He takes a moment to breathe. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-06-11 11:22 pm (UTC)[She's not the right person to help him -- but she's here, which makes her the only one who can help him.]
How long ago was this?
[Not forgotten is his reminder that this isn't the full story. She believes she may have some grasp on what he leaves out, but she will not mention her ideas. Either she is wrong, or she is right, and both are terrible.]
wouldn't i love if atlus had a timeline that made sense
Date: 2024-06-12 12:10 am (UTC)Six years ago, or so. One of those things that feels like yesterday and centuries ago at the same time.
[ A beat, and he tries to circle back to his point, his voice heavier than before. ]
Months passed, and she never improved. To make matters worse, my presence only triggered her memories of that night. In the end, for Rumi's own sake... I had to let her go.
[ It's as close to the whole truth as he can get.
A deep breath drawn. He smiles over at Venat again, small and sad, but no less genuine. It isn't a mask. He really does mean this, with all his heart. ]
I was already a cognitive researcher at that point, but what happened with Rumi solidified my life's path. If there was a way to directly address pains of the heart like what she suffered... To understand them the way a physician can understand and heal a broken bone... I wanted to find it. I dedicated all of my research to that pursuit.
[ He shrugs, a little sheepish. ]
In the end, my obsession with that was unhealthy. Counseling was a more effective way to help people heal, so I turned to that.
[ It's–
A relief.
A profound one, actually. He's never felt that way after telling this story. ]
Now you know. That's how I found my purpose.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 12:18 am (UTC)If I am any judge of you thus far, you've not done enough to treat your own wounds from that moment. Might I, then, apply a therapeutic treatment to you?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 12:25 am (UTC)[ Maruki stops as well, frozen, arrested. ]
I... Well, I suppose I can't argue with you there.
[ He would argue it, normally. Would insist that Rumi was the one who suffered, not him. But Venat always manages to get the measure of him so easily ]
Sure? What are you going to do?
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 12:34 am (UTC)[Venat is not good at hugs. Millennia of isolation to be sure, but even before that, her people were not very big on interpersonal contact in the slightest -- as one might expect from a society where everyone wore robes and masks to diminish their individualism. So her arms are somewhat awkwardly placed, her robes are in the way, and her mask is poking him in the chest.]
[But for warmth, and care, and a terrific strength holding him firmly but not painfully, one couldn't ask for much more.]
I am sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how much it must have hurt.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 01:33 am (UTC)[ It's exhaled in a surprised huff as Venat folds him into her arms.
When was the last time someone held him? It had to have been Shibusawa, after the news about Rumi originally broke. More than half a decade ago, and only briefly, as he was already on the path to alchemizing his despair into fury. He can barely remember it, so much has happened since. Maybe it felt like this. It probably didn't.
It feels–
It's charming, actually, how unpracticed the embrace is. Her arms around his trap them a bit, so that he can't return the gesture right away. But it's such a sincere expression of care, of empathy. Her words strike at just the right angle of his beleaguered heart to make impact; it did hurt. It still does. Daily, it hurts.
When he manages to speak, his voice is mired in that pain that he hasn't let himself feel in far too long, tired and strained. ]
Thank you, Venat.
[ CONFIDANT RANK UP !!
Venat is not good at hugs, but Maruki absolutely is.
He wriggles his arms free, jostling her grip up around his shoulders instead. They wrap around her waist to pull her in tight, the voluminous robes and mask now digging into his chest no deterrence. If he were stronger, and she shorter, he'd actually lift her off her feet a bit. It's that much of a bear hug.
Maruki tucks his face down against her shoulder to rest his head there and breathes, a weak little laugh escaping. ]
Good to know this therapeutic treatment spans realities and millennia too. It's one of my favorites.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 03:40 pm (UTC)[Considering the surprise, or apparent befuddlement, her offer to listen to him in turn had elicited, she further suspects he may have gone somewhat too far -- that helping others as a way to fight back against and control the feelings of loss and pain had overshadowed the other, comprehensive ways one ought to deal with grief. She's very glad she hadn't ultimately agreed to be his patient, but rather his friend, for otherwise she'd never be able to fairly address all this.]
I think I may be starting to like them myself. They seem excellent at giving comfort.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-12 05:59 pm (UTC)It's sad, really. How badly he's needed this, for how long. So much of what he's put himself through over the years could have been avoided if he had someone to simply be there the way Venat is – if he had opened himself up to the possibility at all.
It's a strange, beautiful thing to come out of a life held captive in Somnius. He won't take it for granted.
Maruki laughs again, tight in his throat, and shakes his head. ]
Nothing to forgive. I'm glad I can help make up for lost time. There's a lot more I can show you, actually, here–
[ And with that, yeah, he is actually going to try to lift Venat off her feet. He untucks his face from her shoulder, slides his grip up around her back and does his level best to haul her even an inch off the ground. It's ridiculous, and the hardest he's laughed so far in Somnius, some uncomplicated joy seeping into the cracks of an old pain. ]
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:hehe we can probably wrap on yr reply so it's done before you go on vacation !!
From:(no subject)
From: